I commit to things, almost in a way that is probably a bit too much. When I say I'm going to do something I dive into it and give myself the time to make it happen. I've driven people away because of it, I've ruined friendships with my expectations that they'll deliver the same promise. I've broken my own heart way too many times because of how tainted the experience was for someone else involved. I don't think I ask for much, but I suppose it's more than some people can give.
My main grievance with artists are those who are like 'yeah sure I'm an artist' but only wait around for opportunities to be given to them. I haven't stopped giving myself to the art. The first summer break from college I created my own theatre company and directed/produced a kick-ass two act musical about women in my home town. When I graduated I went back to do another musical and raised money for a child in my home town with leukaemia, because I also feel like art can become such a masterbatory device, which is not the reason I create it. I don't go on stage in hopes that someone sees me, and only me, fuck the ENTIRE team of people. That breaks my heart a little. But for many people I know who only do art for that purpose I can understand the lack of commitment. Fame is such a limited resource, when it's not given when expected the heart can suffocate without another reason to perform.
But this isn't about my desire to smack all those hot-headed, self absorbed, jack-offs... wow, that was super aggressive, I'm sorry, sometimes my passion for art over looks my understanding that people have their own reasons for things and I shouldn't judge them. ANYWAY, this is about my ability to commit. I think a lot of people have a difficult time really understanding what polyamory means. It's hard work. But if it's something you want, if it's something you can find another person to make it work with, then it's achievable. Yet it's so easily confused with 'well I don't want to COMMIT to a relationship, so let's just be open'. This is totally fine. As mentioned, everyone has their own reasons for things. My main grievance is when that becomes the bare minimum for 'polyamory'. Not being able to commit isn't a reason to be polyamorous. Oh, I'm sorry, you're too afraid of being alone, but you don't want to put in time to the person you're being intimate (and/or ) romantic (and/or) sexual with, maybe you shouldn't fuck with people's emotions like that. HOLLY YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, LETTING YOUR EMOTIONS TAKE OVER. It's fine. I'm fine. It's fine.
I believe a lot of the lack of commitment to saying 'I just want a casual thing' is more about people not being self-aware as to why. Recently I was dating someone who ended up saying 'I just don't have time for you' and it was the most honest thing he said since we started dating. Before that point I'd spent two months driving myself insane as to trying to figure out why he just didn't want to spend time around me. What's wrong with me, I'd anxiously spiral. Him being completely honest about the reason instead of the 'well I just don't want anything serious'. I respected myself enough to say 'then I can't keep doing this' because I was committed regardless of it being casual or not. I am the prime example of commitment. I will drop everything for a person because they need someone to talk to. I will think about the people I'm dating constantly, and have to aggressively tell myself to 'stop, it's fine if they aren't texting you right now, it doesn't mean they hate you'. And that's my fault. For me I'm able to do that with all my relationships. I understand that most people have a hard enough time doing that just for themselves.
When my partner is sick I'll aggressively try to take care of them, because I want them to feel better, because I know what I want when I'm sick but I'm too independent to ask. I jump into new people quickly because that's who I am, I don't hold back and I'm way too honest. I've been told I'm too much and that's soften my intensity a bit. Personally I could text or talk with someone all day, but I also understand people have jobs/a life. Personally I think polyamory works nicely for me because then someone doesn't have to deal with the massive amount of a person that I embody, though that comes from the self-deprecating part of my brain that I've been able to quiet, but still exists.
Commitment isn't the reason I'm poly. Nor do I believe it should ever be confused with people who can't commit. I could go on about how angry it makes me. I know so many dudes who say 'look I just can't commit to you right now so is it cool if we date other people while still doing whatever...'. Unless you are just two people fucking, that's alright for you. I'm asexual so that's never what I am looking for. Though I'm not going to say I haven't fucked a few people I had no eggs in the basket with. Sometimes a girl's just gotta find someone to fill the emptiness inside that comes from her invisibility complex, or is that just me?? When someone wants to date other people because they just don't want to commit to someone that comes down to more of a bare bones look on the matter. Either you're monogamous and you're waiting for the 'right' person to come along, but in the meantime, hey you're alright and don't annoy me so let's just keep this thing going, or you're too chickenshit to be like 'I don't want to date you'. I understand that's not an easy conversation to have. But if you're not mature enough to have those conversations then you don't deserve the privilege to be intimate with someone.
I also want to stress what I mean by commitment. I don't mean 'hey we're all in it together now you are mine and I am yours let's get married and be each other's person' commitment. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE. I mean how about we respect each other as people. How about you just respond to my messages and make a bit of time for me one-on-one that's not just a pity fuck? Too much... Well yeah...
That's just me, I'm intense, feel free to tell me your own thoughts on the matter. I'm also very open to hearing other people's opinion that sway mine.
Holly (Hools) Wyder is a creative monster. Finding every which way to express herself she has found various avenues to explore. Recently coming off of the Toronto Fringe festival with her semi-autobiographical solo show about her experience as a polyamorous, pan-romantic, asexaul, she has found her voice to express and share her journey to allow others to feel validated. A feeling she lacked (and still feels varying day to day) for a very long time. Check out her next live show and approach her about your own story, it's all about a sense of community and the only way to do that is to hear about other people's existence.