I hate how I hate myself. I don't think I deserve it. I don't deserve this hate. I don't deserve to feel it towards myself or on myself. But I can't help it. The main concern I have is that I'm so self-aware of everything it ends up being a burden. I could live the ignorant life of not understanding where the pain comes from and just take it day by day, but knowing the resource makes it ever more persistent to tear me apart from the inside slowly as my thoughts spiral. I try to look at myself how my friends see me. Most of the time that works. It allows me to take a beat and think 'hey, these really cool people you admire love you very much', but then the anxiety takes over and I become two separate people talking at each other.
Anxiety: Right, but you know they only see what you show them, if they saw the real you, if you were an honest person and showed them who you REALLY were, they wouldn't be friends with you.
Self-aware brain: I am honest. I am the most honest.
Anxiety: Being honest about action isn't the same as being honest about emotion. You've never been honest with your own emotions for people, you don't know how to be and you'll never be able to.
Spiral, spiral, spiral.
I've been writing this blog for seven days, telling myself 'wow, Holly, you're so open and honest about your experiences, you're such a brilliant creative artist because you're allowing people to see the real you while also living your life the way that works best for you'. But I don't know if that's true. When anxiety comes out to play, reality is lost.
Anxiety: Did you ever realize that the things that you do with your life are all based on some idea that it's not the 'norm' and maybe you're just trying to be outside the box to be unique, to be remembered. The way you actually feel isn't true to how you act. Are you only polyamorous because it's different? Do you even like women when you parade around saying you do but haven't really had any experience that probably wasn't forced? You say you don't believe in monogamy, but is it only because you know deep down there is no possible way a single person could love you the way you want to be loved? Or is it because you're so selfish, and attention seeking you need EVERYONE to love you without giving everything back.
Maybe you're right. I answer defeated.
Biking home after a night out with friends, hosting karaoke at a bar, the streets are quiet at 2:30 in the morning. Monday fast approaching as all the 9 to 5ers hop in their late night uber knowing they'll regret this in five hours when the alarm clock goes off. While I activate my killer hamstrings as the street leans slightly upwards home the entire journey my breath starts to quicken. What the fuck am I doing? I have tried so hard to love myself. I think I've been able to achieve it. But then these bad thoughts take over and it's like all that work was for nothing. I have to take deep breaths as I tell myself, just one more block, you can make it one more block, until it gets to a point my vision starts to blur and I dry heave. One more block, there's no cars on the way just push through. Push through, yeah thanks so much theatre school for enabling that bad habit. Finally arriving in my bed room with my cat looking at me and I collapse on my bed. Panic pills at the ready. What the fuck.
It's the thoughts of 'am I just fooling myself' that run rapid. Am I still in love with my ex, you know, the one that I wrote and entire one person show about and still won't acknowledge my existence. Is that just fucking crazy. That I haven't felt those feelings since him makes me want to vomit. Meanwhile I'm trying to be civil around the other people I've dated who just want to be friends and thinking 'I need to hold onto this, even if it's not giving me anything aside from the validation that I'm not a terrible person to date... I'm not... I'm...' And I stare at my phone, I stare hoping to get that validation elsewhere and of course it's not going to come Holly, it's 3 in the morning and you've estranged yourself from needing people for 'protection'. I wonder if there's a market for an app for anxious people in crisis. Where you sign in when you need someone to acknowledge your existence. At least that's what I need when I'm having an anxiety attack. I find I get so stuck in reaching out, I can openly post about it on twitter, but I can't send a message specifically to anyone. The reason being is that I wouldn't want to burden someone unless they felt they were in a mentally healthy place to help. If I shoot someone a private message it feels so much more of a let down if I don't hear from them, or if they respond in a way that is dismissive. I want to be able to alert people I love to the problem and have the ones that are able to help reach out to me. This app would be that. You'd have all your friends on a system they could press a button to log into that says 'hi, please reach out', and then you could choose to help if you're in a good enough state of mind. Or maybe that's the 3 am brain talking. Who knows. Who knows.
Who knows if I'll keep writing this blog. I secretly gave myself the challenge to write one every day for a week, to see if I could do it. I think if I were to keep going it would be a once or twice a week kind of thing, but I also feel as though I have nothing to say. That these words on this page are but stagnant and yawn inducing (did you yawn because of boredom or because I said yawn. Yawn.). I don't know what I'm doing, with the people in my life, the relationships I've fostered, if it's all just an act that I'm putting on where only my deep, deep sub-conscious knows the truth, or I'm really this person I've created that other people love and adore. Trying to find the answer is crazy making. So instead I say adieu until I write again. Thank you for riding the Hools Brain Train with me. I hope entertainment was at least part of the journey you took.
Holly (Hools) Wyder is a creative monster. Finding every which way to express herself she has found various avenues to explore. Recently coming off of the Toronto Fringe festival with her semi-autobiographical solo show about her experience as a polyamorous, pan-romantic, asexaul, she has found her voice to express and share her journey to allow others to feel validated. A feeling she lacked (and still feels varying day to day) for a very long time. Check out her next live show and approach her about your own story, it's all about a sense of community and the only way to do that is to hear about other people's existence.